When Words Hurt More Than Dying
by Jane Shepard
Summary: Thinking is the best for Shepard, Miranda breaks up with him for being sterile, whick leaves them both hurting. Can things ever be the same? M!Shep/Miranda pairing. M for sexual situations. Edited: 03/18/2013.


Shepard was angry, beyond angry. Until a week ago he's life never been better: he defeated the Collectors and Harbinger. Sure, the Reapers were coming, but he was just enjoying the momentary calm, and things were great between him and Miranda. They talked about their past, slept together on each other's quarters, found comfort in each other's company and the fact that the sex was mind blowing was just a bonus. They were happy, or so Shepard thought.

A week ago he was so comfortable with their relationship that he even considered retirement once the Reaper threat was over and start a family with Miranda. But that's when things went south. He could vividly recall the event the brought an end to the best thing that ever happened to him

_Shepard and Miranda were spooning naked on his bed, enjoying the post coitus bliss. He was caressing her arm and her collar bone when he decided to know where they stood, so he turned her on her back and stood above her supporting his weight on his arm and touching her face. "Do you ever think about getting out of this life, I mean having a normal life," Shepard asked Miranda with his expression full of love._

_Miranda was taken aback by the question. She never thought Shepard to be the kind of guy that would ever give up being a soldier but truth be told she did think about that. Before she rebuilt him, she was like a robot, the only thing that mattered to her was her Cerberus mission. Sure, she had her one night standers and briefly what was almost a relationship with Jacob, but when she noticed things were getting serious between them she broke things off._

_Now, with Shepard, she wanted nothing more than a normal life by his side, where she could finally just be happy. "I do. After almost falling off that platform on the Collectors base I realized I don't want to always be in jeopardy, I want to settle down eventually," Miranda said. She really meant to say settle down with him, but she didn't know where things stood between them, Shepard hadn't even said the 'L' word yet, and she didn't want to scare him._

_Shepard was happy about her reply and in a moment of impulse he just laid out everything he was feeling. "Let's do that then. I used to think that being a soldier was what defined me, that fighting for the greater good was the only thing that mattered. Before you I had no one, the closest thing to a family I had were my crew mates, but in the end being a soldier was important because I didn't have anyone to come home to. Now I have you and I don't want this life anymore. I know it might be selfish, but my priorities have changed and what I want right now more than anything is to have a normal life with you. Get married, have kids, take you on actual dates and be everything you deserve."_

_ Shepard poured his heart out, never had he felt this way before, not even about Liara, who he once loved deeply, and his heart was pounding fast on his chest waiting for her reply._

_Miranda was touched. She wanted to cry after hearing the man she loved be so open about his feelings. She never felt so fulfilled in her life. Yet her coldness and what she was about to say kept her from crying. Miranda remembered a time when she really thought about being a mother, so much that she searched on the extranet dating services looking for the perfect mate to father her child. Now, she has the perfect man, who not only would stand by her side, but also would be the greatest dad in the world and she couldn't give that to him._

_Thinking that she could never have children, and the fact that Shepard clearly wanted them, she decided that the best thing for him would be to break things up. Miranda didn't want to; she loved him so much, but that is exactly why she was doing this. So that Shepard could one day find someone else who could give him the life he wants._

_So she put on her brave face, and did the hardest thing she ever did on her life. "Shepard, I think things are moving a lot faster than they were supposed to. I thought we were just having fun," Miranda lied. She was giving all her strength not to cry._

_Shepard moved to his side of the bed with an incredulous look on his face. Did he just hear those words from Miranda? Sure, she's always been cold, but she was changing. She became warmer and a better person, could he really have been this foolish? "Having fun? Come on, Miranda, I'm sorry if I freaked you out, but even you aren't that good of a liar. A person doesn't act the way you do with me just for having fun."_

_After what Shepard just said to her, she knew that his feelings for her were deep. Miranda knew that if she was honest about her condition, Shepard would say the sweetest things to comfort her and tell her he didn't mind. That was the kind of man he was. Not wanting to take the chance that he would try to make things work, she had to say the one thing she knew would hurt Shepard deep enough that he'd never want anything to do with her anymore._

_"I did become a better person because of you. After all, you did selflessly help me with my sister. But Shepard, it was just sex and I believed we were on the same page," Miranda said as she stood up and began to dress. "We can't do this anymore. We're obviously not in the same place and I don't want our working relationship to change. I'm sorry!"_

_Miranda couldn't believe how she could be such a bitch to Shepard, but it was the only way. At the same time, Shepard felt like he was stabbed in the heart. He couldn't believe that he'd been used all this time. He sat up in bed with his waist covered._

_"Don't be sorry. I was the one stupid enough to believe there was more to you after I helped you with your sister. Liara broke my heart on Illium, and at the same time, I happened to see a vulnerable side of your…Well, it doesn't matter, I should have never thought of you as the girl who'd do anything for the person she loved, like you did for Oriana. I was a fool to believe you were more than the girl who wanted to put a control chip in my head. That's how I should've always seen you." _

_Shepard felt like crying. Whether from the sadness or the anger, he didn't know. "And don't worry, you're still my XO. You're the best at what you do, and I won't let what happened between us change that. You can show yourself out now."_

Since that day, Shepard has been keeping things professional with Miranda. He would still take her to missions and trust her as the XO, but that was it. And now, for some reason, Kelly told him that Miranda wanted to see him in her quarters about his meeting with Anderson. What could be so important that had to be done there?

* * *

It's been a week since Miranda broke up with Shepard and it still hurt like hell. She cried every night, and had to wake up the next day as if nothing happened. The only time she could keep her mind off Shepard was when they were on assignments or missions, and even then she would always be worried about Shepard on the battlefield. Miranda was a mess. Shepard tried to keep things professional between them, but she could see the anger and sadness in his eyes every time they had to discuss something. She still remembered how much what Shepard had said to her hurt.

_Miranda left his room as he said, his words echoing in her mind. She had never seen Shepard so angry, nor had she ever seen him using words to hurt like that, but she didn't blame him. It scared her how much he succeeded in hurting her. _

_As soon as her quarter's door closed, she leaned with her back against the door, put her face on her knees, and fell apart. She was desperately crying, hurt from what Shepard said, and sad for hurting the only man she ever loved. The words "I was a fool to believe that you were more than the girl who wanted to put a control chip in my head, that's how I should have always seen you," never leaving her mind._

Miranda missed him so much. She also missed a lot of things from their time together: the way Shepard looked at her like she was the most beautiful and special person in the world for him, how he always tried to make her feel better when she was angry, how he always woke her up with a kiss on her cheeks, talking to him and looking at his beautiful eyes. She missed everything about him. Who would've thought that the most selfless thing she ever did would be the one to hurt the most?

But right now, more than anything, she missed making love to him. It all started when she went looking for Jacob to discuss weapon upgrades; he wasn't in the armory, so she thought he was going through his workout routine. When she did find him, Jacob and Shepard were sparring, shirtless and sweaty. Jacob had a great body, but all she could see was Shepard's, and she felt a sudden flush.

* * *

Ever since this morning, Miranda was horny and needed Shepard, but she couldn't tell him the truth. So she decided the best way to get him to fill her needs would be seducing him. She knew it was selfish, but her desires won. Luckily for her, she knew all the things that drove him crazy. She asked Kelly to tell Shepard that she needed to see him. Anderson wanted to talk to Shepard on Citadel, and she was going to use that as a conversation topic.

She knew Shepard would enter her quarters sooner or later, so she decided to wait for him, only wearing her black silk lingerie that she knew drove him crazy. She had EDI let her know when Shepard was coming in, and when he finally entered her quarters, he saw Miranda bending over on the edge of the bed, pretending to be picking up her jumpsuit, her backside to him.

Shepard wanted to stare, since he loved her ass, but they were over. He was still too pissed at her to even allow himself to have those kinds of thoughts, and more than anything he was a gentleman.

"Sorry," Shepard said turning around and spoke again, "I'll wait outside," he said going towards the door.

As Miranda was getting dressed, she sensed his voice cracking. She smirked as she was off to a good start. "Don't bother, I'm almost finished. Besides, it's nothing you've never seen before," she said, teasing him. Even though his back was to her, she could see from his body language that he took a deep breath.

When Miranda was done, she went to him, touched his arm to let him know she was ready. "I appreciate the chivalry, Commander," she said coyly, "but now we have business to discuss."

Shepard was glad she was finally dressed and said "business", as he was fighting an erection. Miranda had him sit on a chair next to her in front of her computer.

"We need to talk about your meeting with Councilor Anderson," Miranda said. "I still advise against it, as it seems to be another plot from the Council to dismiss everything you have to say. And I'm also sure that if it's up to Udina, the Council is going to find another reason to keep you grounded."

She pointed to her screen, so Shepard could see a message Udina sent to the Turian councilor. "I took the liberty to bug Udina's office, including his computer, since I believe he's out to shake your reputation as a personal vendetta," Miranda said. This time, she put her hand on his thigh, dangerously close to his penis.

Shepard abruptly stood up. What was she doing? He was about to yell at her for playing with him again, but she spoke first after standing up and closing in on his personal space. "What's the matter, Commander?" Miranda asked and she saw his face flustered.

Shepard tried to answer with his best poker face, but failed. "Nothing. I should go. You can send me your input on the meeting to my private channel, and later we can discuss you bugging Udina's office."

As Shepard was turning to leave her quarters, Miranda held his arm. "You seem a little jumpy, Commander. Anything I can do to help you with that?" She was flirting and shortening the distance between them even more, all the while driving him crazy.

"I'm just being a gentleman," Shepard replied none too pleased with what Miranda was doing. "And I'm going to leave before I do something stupid."

Miranda was impressed with Shepard's will, but decided this was a game she had to win, for her own sanity. She grabbed his already hard penis, and whispered in his ear, in her most sensuous voice "I don't think you want to leave, Commander. Besides, right now, I want you to be anything but a gentleman."

That was all the incentive he needed. Shepard couldn't resist, but he had to lash out all his anger on her. So, he forcefully pulled her to him with both arms and kissed her, deep and passionately, and at the same time roughly. He bit her lower lip almost hard enough to make it bleed. One of his hands left her waist and grabbed hard at her hair, which caused Miranda to whimper.

Shepard took this opportunity to lift her with the hand on her waist, turn them and forcefully pin her to the wall. One of his hands pinned her arms above her head as he kissed and bit her neck. Miranda was already moaning when his free hand traveled to her pussy and he grabbed it. A cry of pleasure escaped her mouth, as he kept rubbing her sensitive spot. Miranda's right leg hooked on Shepard's waist, so he let go of her arms to pay attention to her leg, caressing it and squeezing it.

Then, Shepard let her go and turned her around. He embraced her from behind, and his hands traveled to her hips until they reached her breasts. He captured her breasts and squeezed them harder than he ever had before. Miranda was suppressing a scream, and felt his erection on her ass, so she swayed her ass on his dick to apply more pressure. That action made Shepard groan loudly, so she took the opportunity to grab his hair, turn her face to him, and kiss him.

She turned around, never breaking the kiss. Shepard's hands were all over her back, and found their final destination: playing with her ass. Miranda's hands found the hem of his shirt and lifted it up. Shepard let go of her ass to help her get his shirt off. Once the shirt was off, Miranda grabbed his back and started kissing his well-toned chest, removing her boots with her feet at the same time. Shepard was moaning, and when she found a nipple and sucked hard on it, he couldn't take it anymore.

Her lips didn't stop the assault on his chest, and he was sure that in the morning, there would be a few hickeys on it, but right now he didn't mind. All he cared about was getting Miranda naked and pounding on her as hard as he could. He lowered her zipper, and when Miranda stopped assaulting his senses, she began working on his pants.

Shepard helped Miranda out of her suit, and when the suit fell to her waist, he kneeled to get it out. He lifted her right leg first, and then her left, in which he bit her inner thigh, and another loud moan escaped Miranda's lips. Then, Shepard removed her suit and panties from her, as Miranda removed her bra.

When Miranda was finally naked, Shepard brushed his lips on her already dripping pussy, which made her almost scream, but he wanted to torture her for what she put him through, so he stopped.

"You didn't think it would be that easy, did you?" He asked her looking up.

"I'd be disappointed if it were," was Miranda's sultry reply.

Shepard stood up, and it was her time to get him out of his pants and underwear. In one move, she lowered the remaining clothes and Shepard stepped out of them. When he did so, he bent a little to grab her knees and lifted her. Miranda's legs went around his waist, and her hands were on his neck. Shepard strongly slapped one of her ass cheeks, which caused another cry of pleasure from her, then squeezed it hard and rested his hand there while his other one went to her back.

Shepard forcefully slammed Miranda to the wall, and although she did like the roughness that this was going, she decided to make him pay for that anyway. So she grabbed his balls in a force that it made painfully pleasurable for him, just like she knew drove him crazy. Shepard closed his eyes at the pleasure; Miranda was the only one who could do this to him, make him completely lose control.

"If that was your attempt at payback, you're gonna have to do better than that," he said to her.

"That was just foreplay, though I don't really think you can handle any more of that. When I decide to make you pay for slamming me, you'll know," was Miranda's soft reply in Shepard's ears, which she concluded by licking and gently sucking on his earlobe.

Miranda was right. As much as he was taking pleasure in this, more foreplay and he would explode. As if she was reading his mind, Miranda guided his cock to her pussy. She was wet, warm and slick, just like he always managed to make her.

They were never gentle lovers, it was a rare occasion that they took things slow, but Shepard always started slow and let Miranda set the pace. He was big and thick, and didn't want to risk hurting her, but this time he didn't care.

Shepard pounded on her hard. Miranda's eyes closed with pleasure, and she was crying as Shepard was hammering her with all his strength. She started meeting his thrusts with her hips and Shepard's pace grew faster. They were both moaning. Miranda was louder, practically screaming. It was so much pleasure, that she scratched her nails on Shepard's back so deep that a little blood came out of the scratch.

Miranda licked Shepard's upper lip and kissed him, but he soon broke the kiss. One of his hands was still on her ass for support, and his other found her breast while his lips went to her jawline and neck; it was his turn to leave her a hickey. "As long as you'll have this mark I'm leaving on you, it'll be a reminder of what you'll never have anymore. You were just using me, but I assure you that you'll never find someone else to use that will make you feel like I do… that will make you scream of pleasure. I'm the only one that can screw your brains out," Shepard told Miranda panting, and she didn't reply. Firstly because he was right, and second because she couldn't think straight as she was reaching her climax.

"Oh, God!", she screamed as she came, and Shepard was right behind her, pounding hard and fast on her until there was nothing left. Shepard dropped Miranda, still hard.

Miranda was angry for what Shepard said earlier. She put her heel on his knee dropping him to the floor and straddled his waist, challenging him. "If you think so highly of yourself, make me scream even louder." Miranda left his waist and this time was straddling his face. Shepard didn't really want to please her, but when her pussy, that he thought was the most beautiful one he had ever seen, was standing only an inch from his face, there was no self-control that could keep him from doing just what she wanted.

There was no teasing for Shepard. He knew Miranda liked to be teased, which is why he always started kissing and licking her inner thighs, then licking her labia, until she couldn't take it anymore and begged for him to lick her clit. This time, he went straight to her clit, doing just what she wanted the most with his skillful tongue. Miranda was crying, and the sounds of pleasure she always made drove Shepard crazy. They were enough to make Shepard squeeze her ass with both hands, and even though he was still mad at her, he just hoped she wouldn't have trouble sitting tomorrow.

Shepard could feel Miranda was close. Her thrusts, not as forceful as usual due the lack of support, were getting faster. He decided to get even for what she did to his balls earlier, and sucked on her clit, applying a pressure that was incredibly pleasurable while painful at the same time. It drove her crazy, and though Miranda realized this was possibly the last time they would be together, she didn't want to be the only one ruined for everyone else.

"I may never find someone who can make my whole body ache with pleasure like you, but I'll make sure the same thing goes for you." Miranda said panting, holding her orgasm as long as she could. She turned around, her pussy still on his face, and was glad to see that he still had a boner. She then bent down and licked the head of his cock. She knew that would drive him crazy, and to be honest, she loved sucking his perfectly sculpted dick. Come to think of it, what wasn't perfect about him? Just like she predicted, his tongue was once again on her clit.

She started sucking Shepard's cock with her hand up and down the base of his penis, assisting her in pleasuring him. Then, she did something that would most likely make Shepard get off. Her hand that was on his penis went to massage his balls, and she started deep throating him, taking all of his large cock in her mouth.

Shepard was almost there, and couldn't admit that after all the work he had done on Miranda, he would still cum before her. So, he sped up his tongue on her clit, sometimes making circular movement with his tongue on the clit, and inserted two fingers on her more than ready pussy. After a few thrusts, he curled his fingers on the most erogenous zone that only he could find, and that was enough to send her over the edge.

Miranda temporarily stopped her work on Shepard; the pleasure was just too much. As soon as she stopped screaming and caught her breath, she was sucking him again. It took less than a minute for Shepard to cum. She turned to look at him to make sure Shepard saw her swallowing his cum. If he was half erect then, now he would certainly be up again.

They both stood up, panting and fumbling a little, but this was to be their last time. It wasn't enough, and they started kissing again, their hands roaming all over each other's bodies. Miranda was leading Shepard to the couch. When his legs hit the couch, she forcefully pushed him down. She straddled him, guiding herself down his penis.

Knowing well enough how much Shepard liked her legs, she supported her hands and elbows on Shepard's thigh, and used them as leverage to put her legs on his shoulders. Miranda was already weak, but the pleasure she was having was enough for her to use her arms to go up and down his cock, shaking her hips like a professional stripper on a dancing pole.

As Miranda's pace was getting faster, so was Shepard's thrust. He couldn't help kissing Miranda, her swollen lips and her lust eyes never giving him a chance; she was in heaven. After they broke their kiss, she looked at his strong chest and defined abs. God, how she loved his gorgeous body! Her hands quickly brushed his strong arms, and then she traced his body with her nails, making sure to leave something there for him to remember.

"Oh, God," escaped Shepard's lips, this was too much. He kissed her left breast while his left hand massaged her right one, his right hand never leaving her leg. Her moaning of approval only encouraged Shepard further, and he sucked harder on her nipple. He was almost on the edge, but for their one last time, he wanted to be in control.

Shepard used his hands to lower Miranda's legs, and carried her to bed since the couch was too small for his big frame. Never leaving inside her, he laid her on the bed. As Shepard was on the bed on his knees, he lifted her hips so they were on the same level as his. Miranda was supporting herself on her elbows and arms, and knew what was coming. Once again, Shepard didn't wait for her to set the pace and thrust as hard and fast as he could, his hands on her hips holding her steady so she wouldn't move.

Finally Miranda came, this time her cry of pleasure was louder than ever. Shepard was right behind her. As he finished emptying himself inside her, he gave her ass one last strong slap, and squeezed it for the last time. He removed her from inside of him, and gently (to his surprise) helped her down the bed.

As soon as he stood up, he went for his clothes, never looking at her once. Miranda knew Shepard well enough to know that this, as earth shattering as it was, would only make him feel worse about himself. Once again, she felt like the world's greatest bitch, and knew she didn't deserve him. She dragged herself under covers as if to hide her shame.

Shepard was getting dressed, his back turned to her, and he couldn't help feeling ashamed and disgusted with himself for allowing Miranda to use him again. What she said was true, he would never have anyone as hot as her, or someone that could please him like she could, but tonight was enough. He gave her one look of longing for the last time, and went to the door.

Miranda wanted to say something, but she was loss for words. She didn't know what to say that could make Shepard feel better. And then, he looked at her and she could see all the hurt she had caused him, and at the same time all the love he felt for her. She could no longer do this; they were both hurting when they could be together. "I can't have children," she told him softly, her voice so low, she was surprised he even listened.

Shepard froze hearing those words. _Was this why…_ No, Miranda wouldn't dump him because of that. She must have known this wouldn't change anything for him. He turned his head a little, as if to listen to what else she had to say, but never looked at her.

"There was a time when I wanted to have kids, wanted to be a good mother, and give them everything I didn't have. Give them love, teach them that they didn't have to be better than anyone; it was enough just being themselves. I would enroll them at a normal school, not like the one I went to for gifted children that felt more like a prison. I'd encourage them to have friends."

Miranda continued. "I never thought I'd ever met anyone good enough so I was ready to this on my own. I even preferred this way. Unfortunately a while ago I found out that I'm sterile, and I was learning to cope with that fact. Then I fell in love with you."

Shepard's heart almost stopped with her admission, and he finally went to sit on the bed by her side. She was also sitting, the sheets covering her naked form, and she continued to say everything he deserved to hear.

"You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I couldn't be happier when you told me you wanted a family and kids. God, you said kids with so much love that I remembered that this was the one thing that I could never give to you. I tried not to show it, but I was devastated because there's nothing in the galaxy that I would like more than to have kids with you, and raise them together as a family. I know that I hurt you, and I bet I was a lot worse than you, but at that moment, letting you go felt like the right thing to do."

Shepard saw Miranda crumbling for the first time since he helped her with Oriana. She was crying, sobbing, and his heart was breaking watching her like that. He wanted nothing more than to comfort her, even though he was still hurt and angry. But he decided he loved her way too much not to do anything, so he held her. Miranda was crying on his shoulder like there was no tomorrow, and he couldn't stop the tears from forming in his eyes. He had to say something to make her feel better and to let her know he didn't hate her.

"Miranda, you should have never kept something like that from me. I understand now why you did what you did, but if you had just talked to me, you would've known that the only family I need is you. If you can't have children, as I much as I would've loved having them, I love you and I don't need anyone else. You make me happy enough, happier than I've ever been."

Shepard pushed Miranda from his shoulder, and caressed her face. She was so happy for that simple, yet meaningful touch, that she kissed his palm. "Now, if you really want children like you said you did, I think we'd be great parents and it's not impossible. You brought me back to life, I'm sure whatever you have it's a lot simpler than that."

Miranda smiled at this: he did have a point.

"We'll go to Mordin first thing in the morning. And even if your problem can't be fixed, there's always adoption," Shepard continued his line of thought.

He gave Miranda his most disarming smile, and she melted, feeling that right now, nothing could take her happiness away. "Shepard, I'm sorry for what I put you through. I honestly believed I was doing the right thing."

Shepard just got himself under the covers with her, and laid them both on the bed. "It doesn't matter now. All that matters is that we're together again. I just hope from now on, you'll be honest with me, about everything."

Miranda smiled and gave him a peck on the lips. "I promise full disclosure from now on. And since you really have worn me out, why don't you stay with me tonight?"

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be." He smiled and kissed her forehead, pulling her to sleep on his chest, and lifted her chin so that she could look at him one more time. "I love you."

Miranda couldn't help but smile. "I love you too, Shepard. Good night!"

* * *

**AN: Fanfic also posted on the Mass Effect kink meme as response to a challenge.**

**This was my first attempt at smut, sorry if wasn't too good. Also, English is not my first language, so I apologize for the grammar errors.**

**Reviews are always ****appreciated.  
**

**Lastly, I wanna thank my good friends Mike (dtrain on the BSN) for helping me beta proof this fic and Kay Marie Rose for lettig me use her art as the fic cover (kaymarierose. deviantart. com). You're guys are the best!**


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